Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Dudesday Tuesday: Men's Summer Fashion (or lack thereof)

For those of you who are new to DOC I'd like to introduce my husband, Matt. Matt is the resident dude and writes the Dudesday Tuesday columns for Drug of Choice. He shares his view on the latest fashion, beauty and fragrance choices for both men and women with a dash of the everyman's perspective on the side. You can expect his opinions to be honest even when we don't want to hear it and fun as well. The most important part of Dudesday is the man's perspective but it doesn't mean you have to change a thing about you to please ANYONE, we love you just the way you are.

Men expect a lot from women and tend to be very critical. Guys sure can dish it out but can they take it? Because for all the complaining coming out of men's mouths, the majority of them have no right to be making demands. If you want to help your guy out, or make fun of ones who deserve it, here's a few fashion no-no's I've seen so far this summer.

For one, men in tanktops/wifebeaters is fine, if you have the body to pull it off. This doesn't just mean no gut but there really shouldn't be body hair curling over the edges of the fabric. Chest hair, back hair, even the nasty four inch long armpit hair, it all needs to go. No one wants to see that. But it doesn't stop there, if a guy is wearing a white tanktop, one of the top priorities should be making sure it is still white. Now if you're a 50 year old chain smoking, alcoholic with a gut that has shielded your genitals from any form of light for the past fifteen years, then by all means wear the ratty old disgusting tanktops with hairs sticking through, it's a classic look, otherwise, please make sure you're able to pull this look off.

Another equally important fashion statement among clueless men is sandals. Many will argue that they have no place on men's feet but let's cut us guys a little slack, it's hot, some dudes don't want to wear sneakers. So to any guy wearing sandals, please make sure they are not flip flops, they should not 'fwwp' when you step, stick with Jesus sandals please, the ones that strap to your feet. And if you must show your toes, this requires the removal of socks. No socks under sandals. If women can't, men can't, simple as that. And remember gentlemen, you will have hair on your feet, make it go away.

Being born and raised in the inner city, shorts don't really go with the whole dressing gangsta style I've grown accustomed to. It's really hard to look cool in shorts so they created ones that hang low, too low. If the bottom of your shorts come within an inch or two of the top of your socks, you are not wearing shorts, those are capris, do not wear them, under any circumstances. On the same note, and this generally goes for older men, if the shorts come dangerously close to showing off the bottom of your underwear, you should not be seen in public with these on. Shorts should hover around the knees. Any material should be fine, or so you'd think, kids are okay wearing cotton shorts but grown men should find another fabric. On more than one occasion I have noticed guys, usually quite large ones, with visible stains on the backs of their shorts and let me tell you, the stains were NOT from sitting in the grass. So if you must wear cotton shorts, please wear underwear and I can not stress this enough, you must wipe after using the bathroom. It's a serious enough problem to warrant a blog post of its own but for now we'll just stick with wearing clean underwear beneath shorts at all times.

If you're a little grossed out right now, good, that means I'm not alone. Now on to a happier male wardrobe screw up that is quite common and one I made before my wife put me on to the truth about socks. We don't think much of them, hell, with pants on no one even sees them, but with shorts, socks tend to stick out. Why? Because men insist on wearing white socks that are jacked halfway up their legs. First of all, pull 'em on down, unless you're playing soccer. Now I just buy the ones that only come up to my ankles and I love them, they're much more comfortable and not nearly as itchy. The other problem with white socks is that they don't match your black shoes. Let's face it, most men's sneakers are black, so although your feet may be representing your racial diversity, keep black footwear with black socks and the same goes for white ones, keep the similar colors together.

Last but not least, I understand the need for men to look cool and dressing down in shorts and a light t-shirt isn't exactly the best way to look bad ass but for God's sake it's summer. This means no hoodies, especially with the hoods up, no winter hats, no coats not even rain coats (if it's raining get wet and enjoy the cool rain), no combat boots, no long sleeve shirts and no multiple layers. I have seen far too many guys dressed for winter, so ladies, do not let your man leave the house looking like that, people will laugh behind his back, I promise. Do him a favor and hook him up with some of your fashion advice because from what I've seen this summer, he probably needs it.

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